This past week Asher had a rough 48 hour crying episode. Something I ate? Still not sure, but it was awful. No sleep for either of us…..holding, rocking, bouncing non-stop for 2 straight days and nights.

On the second evening, completely undone with exhaustion, I started to cry. All I could think about was 19 years ago.

Same month of the year. Same age baby. Same unexplainable nonstop crying.

That scenario ended with a life flight helicopter, a kiss with Heaven, an extended stay at Texas Childrens Hospital and a completely different path for our oldest daughter’s life than what we expected.

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This night ended with finding the right homeopathic colic remedy and a little guy who slept peacefully all night long. 🙌🏻

Completely different scenarios, but in the moment they FELT the same.

{Pausing here to say #ptsd is brutal. I’m no stranger to it and I knew that’s exactly what was happening, but it’s still incredibly powerful. If you think you might be experiencing any level of ptsd speak up. Get support. Don’t try and go it alone.}

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At some point through my tears I felt undeniably prompted to say to myself “You were doing everything you knew to do then, just like you are now. It was not your fault.”

Honestly, I wouldn’t have said I was blaming myself for Abby’s brain injury but maybe on some level #momguilt and/or doubt had settled in over the years, thinking I could’ve done something different to prevent it or get her help sooner.

I hate that my little guy was crying and I hope that was the last time we have an episode like that, but I am so grateful for the light he helped bring to a dark place in my heart that needed tending to.

Forgiving myself felt so so good.

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Mamas….hear me…this job is HARD and stretches us beyond where we ever thought we could go. But this I know to be true…..You really are doing your *very* best. You deserve all the grace and all the kindness and all of the forgiveness TOWARDS YOURSELF everyday, but especially on those days when you question if you are enough.

Side note: my husband rarely left my side during Asher’s crying spell. I never felt alone or unsupported. My postpartum mental health is still really good. No anxiety or depression. I have experienced otherwise with other babies and I’m sharing this story to encourage mamas and give them permission to speak out and get help when they need it.

Also…..God redeems. 🤍

📸: bookends Abby and Asher, Abby at Asher’s age at Texas Childrens Hospital.